Do people like the way you talk to them? Or -- and this should horrify you -- do they endure you?
Yeah. Tough audit to go through, that one.
But necessary. Because we all have communication dysfunctions. We all fail in some communication situations. And if we fail often enough, others -- often very important others, in our lives -- either start to avoid talking to us about these things, or they "act" like they're engaging when they're really enduring.
Let me tell you a quick story about one my own dysfunctions and what I had to learn in order to keep one of my most important relationships fully open and functioning.
My daughter once told me that she didn’t like it that I joked around when she was upset. That I joked too much when she came to me with a problem.
Which, yes. I do. I do joke. I don’t put on a clown suit anytime someone is sad, but my default reaction to sadness, or anxiety, or hurt -- or really any of the negative emotions -- is to mix at least some lightness into the communication. Not always a ton of it -- hey, in emotional pain? Meet Mr. Down Clown, the clown who's never down! -- but I almost always inject some humor. Because, to me, it feels like a salve. A momentary reprieve. A nod toward the light at the end of the tunnel. It says this isn’t so bad that we can’t also still connect to the light side of things.
That was my theory.
Which failed miserably.
Maybe it was because I didn’t do the entire sequence well. To add lightness you need to do empathetic communication. You have to earn the lite moments. Which you do by matching someone where they are, acknowledging and validating their emotions, expressing support, being authentically connected and just listening. Maybe I don’t do those as well as lightness. In fact, all of that is true -- I don’t do those types of talking as well as I do lightness. I’m not nearly as good or natural about nurturing someone through bad experiences. I do it, but I don’t think I do it well.
But it’s what my daughter needed me to do well. And she’s very important to me.
So I adjusted. I validated her need. I recognized my deficits in doing good empathy comms. And I set out to get better.
And, a few months later, my daughter mentioned to me that she appreciated the changes I had made.
Don’t get me wrong. She didn’t feel I was doing it perfectly. And I still have other things in my communication with her that don’t measure up, but I'm better.
And better -- always growing toward functional, toward good, toward great -- is all we can ask for.
So, I ask you -- what are your communication liabilities and deficits?
And do you want to make them better?