So we all have a model of what a pro head writer might be looking for from a writer, I've written up Sep. 15 as a sample submission I might have done for a show --
* How to Break a News Story into Submittable Jokes
() Pick a story
- from the dozens that are available each day in the national news (from CNN, MSNBC, Google News, etc)
() Break the story into its joke-conducive elements
- characters, words, ideas, negatives, pre-soaked with comedy,
() Pick a clean angle for each chosen element
- how you want the audience to think/feel about the element of the story you’ve chosen
() Write a clean set-up for each chosen element
- Easy to say, short, super clear, includes all necessary information
() Generate big list of punchlines
- directly from the main angle, off the clean set-up
- or write punches for veers (slight off the main angle, or with a different setup)
() Choose only the punches that get laughs, within the show’s voice/restrictions
- read them out loud, get feedback from a live audience, get feedback from a writer’s room, get feedback from other writers
() Write up a clean-submission sheet
- grab the best punches
- submit a perfect, easy-to-scan, sheet of punches
* Joke Set-Ups for Sep 15
A new study says that an increasing number of Americans feel stuck at their jobs because they can’t afford to quit.
Trump says he has struck a deal with China to allow TikTok to continue to function in the US.
Stephen Colbert received a standing ovation at the Emmys.
New Pope Leo criticized huge CEO salaries in his first interview as pontiff.
Elon Musk bought $1 billion shares in Tesla this week.
FOX News’ Brian Kilmeade has apologized for saying that the homeless should be euthanized.
Sept 15 Submission Sheet
A new study says that an increasing number of Americans feel stuck at their jobs because they can’t afford to quit.
- I feel you, meth is expensive.
- I feel you, I mean, why do you think I keep telling these mediocre jokes every night?
- Corporate America responded by saying, “And?”
- Feeling especially stuck? The employees at Elmers.
- But remember, this study was done by lab assistants who couldn’t afford to quit.
Trump says he has struck a deal with China to allow TikTok to continue to function in the US.
- Unfortunately, no deal has been struck with the Founding Fathers to allow democracy to continue to function in the US.
- This coming on the heels of the deal he struck with Beezelbub to continue to let him live even though he died of a stroke three weeks ago.
- Thank god, the last thing we want China to have is a monopoly on time-wasting dumb shit.
- To celebrate, TikTok has vowed to ban video of Trump dancing to YMCA.
- Also, that all-you-can-choke-down Mongolian buffet over on Vine Street? Still good to go.
- Out of gratitude, China has offered to keep Trump on as a figurehead once it steals all our data and takes over the US. Nah, just joking! They’re giving it to Benedict Wong.
Stephen Colbert received a standing ovation at the Emmys.
- Don’t get too excited, so did the inventor of Ozempic.
- I first read that as “standing ovulation.” Which, if we’re being biologically factual, he also got.
- In response, President Trump put a tariff on “Award Shows that Aren’t About Him.”
- Also, Jimmy Fallon got asked for his autograph by a kid who said, “Sign it “To Petey, from the world’s greatest talk show host, Anybody But Jimmy Fallon.”
- The audience then sat back down and silently thanked Jesus that they don’t make a living by going after Trump.
New Pope Leo criticized huge CEO salaries in his first interview as pontiff.
- Sounds like somebody’s got a little salary envy.
- Which sounds kinds of boring, except he used his hat as a beat box during the segment.
- Yes, because no one hates getting paid way too much money for doing way too little more than the Catholic church.
- He then hurried off because he was late for a rendezvous with a local daycare.
- Sorry, trenchant criticism of the capitalist system just doesn’t hit as hard from someone named “Leo.”
- Take it with a grain of salt, he was playing footsie with a 5-year-old when he said it.
Elon Musk bought $1 billion shares in Tesla this week.
- Don’t get all excited, he also bought $1 billion shares in each of Tesla’s competitors.
- He has promised to donate all profits from those shares to himself, for future purchases of shares that will also go to himself, and only himself.
- Damn, how many elections could he have bought with that money?
- He also teased his new project, currently only identified by the code name “Reopening Auschwitz.”
- Which is only .000000001% of his wealth, according to the little guy with a calculator he pays to run along behind him constantly reminding everyone how rich he is.
- And yet still refuses to pay for either a talented personal trainer or a decent hair transplant.
FOX News’ Brian Kilmeade has apologized for saying that the homeless should be euthanized.
- And said he actually meant “crucified.”
- Instead he says he should have just gone ahead and euthanized a few on-air.
- But still refused to apologize for getting six forehead-lengthening surgeries.
- And then immediately introduced the next segment, “Kervokian: Misunderstood Genius?”
- He then apologized for apologizing. To all those who agreed with him.
- His cohosts then chimed in with, “Hey, we all make mistakes. Plus, those people are dirty. Okay, now onto the weather!”
- Which would have seemed more sincere if the FOX chyron didn’t keep flashing that “It’s a good idea!” and “Let’s actually do that!”