“Hi, Ivan Pavlov.” “Mmm, sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.”
Vegan Bob Dylan: “Like a rolling scone…”
I wish someone would eat my neighbor’s dog.
A bunch of frogs should dig up Jim Henson’s body and make it do tricks.
Under no conditions do I want to sit next to an old man who is making love to his tonic and gin.
The greatest trick the wealthy ever pulled was convincing everyone the government is the problem.
In the 1300’s you couldn’t walk in the woods for more than fifty yards without encountering a mystical character.
Picasso only owned one shirt.
Avocados file class-action suit over grocery molestation.
Honestly, I spend most of my time just striving to not be my worst self.
Watching someone on a zoom call trying to figure out their tech is now one of the official tortures in Hell 2.0.
The sign said “Mattress Sale,” but I read “Waitress Sale,” and yeah, I stopped, sure, I stopped.
Tell me again, which part of listening to your problems I’m supposed to enjoy?
Cured meats? What were they diagnosed with? Bam! I’m here. Will be. All evening.
Texas so conservative they’ve banned “Farewell to Arms.”
“Sir, would you like to donate for animal rights?” “Oooh, sorry, no, I feel like they have too many rights already.”
According to the rules of logic, George Washington liked big butts.
Movie idea: A Noisy Place. Aliens invade earth, and they can only find you if you stop talking. In the end, only women survive.
Minutes later, as he was being eviscerated by a weasel, the Velveteen Rabbit mused on how being a stuffed toy maybe hadn’t been so bad after all.
She was a suburban housewife who had hit crock bottom.
What did the watchmaker like to do when he got home from work?
Someday we’ll live in a world where banjos get along.
Practice also makes mediocre.
I’ll back off on the cynicism as soon as life backs off on the bullshit.
Chicken McNuggets are parakeets.
If women can’t have abortions or birth control, men have to use their extra 30% in pay to create a massive fund for free births, free food for kids and moms, free daycare, free private schools, free clothes for kids and moms, free healthcare for kids and moms, free taxi service, and free college. Deal?
It’s nice that Jesus isn’t here to fact check you.
I’d like a complicated coffee, please.
Just made the devil an offer on his soul. Change the game.
Dude is my bronoun.
I don’t want to be taken to some place named General Hospital.
Tried to watch The Cosby Show, but it kept putting me to sleep.
What comes after non sequitur in the dictionary?
Spider webs officially renamed “murder hammocks.”
What’s the best way to get hired at a podiatry clinic?
It must drive mice crazy when people pose for photos.
Imagine Euclid at an orgy.
There’s a large enclave of people living in other countries who used to be named Pat.
Can you call a vegan “honey”?