This is the actual writing packet that got me hired in mid-April, 2003, to “The Late Late Show, with Craig Kilborn,” on CBS. The show aired at 11:30 pm, after Letterman’s “The Late Show” (his company, Worldwide Pants, actually owned both time slots, 10:30-11:30, and 11:30-12:30).
This was 2003, y’all. Gonna be some outdated jokes in here. But you’ll get the gist of what at least one successful packet looks like (for one particular show), with one head writer (Mike Gibbons), and one host (Kilborn), at one point in time.
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MONOLOGUE JOKES
The Rolling Stones may finally be too old to tour. They’re now opening shows with “Hey, Hey, You, You, Get Offa My Lawn.”
Eminem is buying a house that was owned by the former CEO of Kmart. Proving that you can give white trash some money, but they still always go back to Kmart.
The Bush administration wants Europe to accept genetically modified food, because we say it’s safe. And if you don't believe us, just ask our corn.
The Homeland Security Department has put out a 10 Most Wanted Immigrants List. First on the list, Salma Hayek.
Doctors are now performing more breast reductions on men. Thank god, I was getting a little worried about my growing attraction to Bob in accounting.
Miramax is funding Michael Moore's new documentary about Bin Laden’s ties to the Bush Administration. It should go nicely with his next doc, “Why the CIA Killed Harvey and Bob Weinstein.”
President Bush reported accepting Rolling Stones concert tickets from the Secret Service as gifts for his daughter Jenna. Wow, she got the guys in the mirrored sunglasses hooked on the Stones, this chick really can party.
Nudist cruises are becoming very popular these days. Just be careful when someone asks if you want to look through their porthole.
A new study says that British men use less Viagra during the World Cup. I always said there wasn't enough scoring in soccer.
A New Orleans drug house can't be torn down because it's a historic site. Apparently that's where the Liberty Bell got its crack.
ABC has announced a pickup for the new show "It's All Relative," a comedy about dating in West Virginia.
U.S. troops in Iraq once again discovered drums with "suspicious" chemicals inside. But upon closer inspection it turns out they were just a couple of Keith Moon's old drum sets.
The NASDAQ was down 37 points this morning on fears that we may not be at war.
President Bush will meet with the leader of Norway next month to discuss U.S.-European relations, terrorism and postwar Iraq. Oh, and the blondes on those Skyy Blue vodka commercials.
The government says that thousands of miles of national forest land bordering Canada and Mexico go virtually unpatrolled, making it easy for terrorists to enter the country. Especially now that we’ve just told them about it.
David Lee Roth held a shotgun on a man at his Pasadena home until police showed up. Marking the first time Roth has held an audience captive in ten years.
A man in Florida was arrested for theft while impersonating Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti. Although he claimed he was impersonating a guitarist from Pearl Jam.
A Los Angeles judge has granted Sandra Bullock a restraining order against a man she says stalked her in three states. So now that I've got all this free time...
“Silence of the Lambs” author Thomas Harris is working on a new film about Hannibal Lecter’s teen years, tentatively titled “I Know Who You Ate Last Summer.”
UPN has picked up a new comedy known only as the “mullet project.” “Mullet project?” Doesn’t that usually mean souping up a Trans-Am or trying to get your 15-year-old girlfriend/cousin extra drunk?
A Massachusetts corporation wants to copyright a genetically modified salmon that grows five times faster than its natural cousins. Scientists created the fish by splicing its genes with Anna Nicole Smith.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY…
* Tonight’s show is sponsored by ---
The Bossa Nova. Telling Nova what to do for over fifty years.
Canary Masks. Because no one should die in a coal mine.
Catch-21: not quite a paradox, more than a dilemma.
Cornish Hens. When you want a hen that's a little like corn, but not really.
The 18th century. So much better than your century.
Glaucoma, the disease with an upside.
Designer Eye Patches. The sporty cover-up.
Drunken Spiders. Ah, what tangled webs we weave.
The Uncomfortable Pause. (.................) See?
The Atomic Clock. Time is nobody's bitch.
Nelton Gertner. Yeah, that's really his name.
CAMERA TURNS
(Desk piece where Craig suddenly turns to a side camera and does a non sequitur micro-sketch)
A. Excruciatingly Observant Toll Booth Operator
(Craig as toll booth operator, makes change for a driver) "Here you go. Hey, have you had that mole checked? Irregular shape, at least four centimeters in diameter. Red flag, my friend. Have a good one."
B. Pedro, the Suicidal Guy Who Discovered Cliff Diving
(Craig acts as if he’s surfacing after just diving) "You’ve got to be kidding, I survived that? What a rush! Hey, did you see me? I’m a cliff diver, baby!"
C. Jake, the Cavalier Executee
"Hey, George, thanks for the meal. Easy, buddy, your hands are shaking. I've made my peace. Tell Dicky in the kitchen, awesome chicken fingers."
D. Joshua, Hip Goatherd
(on cell phone) "Briana, sweetness, you're way beyond that. They can't touch you. They even try to touch you they better use tongs. I'll see you at eight. (hangs up) Hey, goat, get over with the other goats. Why don't they learn?"
E. Craig's Ghost Jumps the Gun
(Craig looking around) "The digs haven't changed. Pants still pressed. TIVO still making the right choices. (sees alive Craig walk in) Hey, what are you doing here?
You're not dead yet? Whoa, is this embarrassing."
F. Ziggy, Crappy Zoo Tram Operator
"Yeah, to your left, guess what? Another animal. They're happier in captivity, which is
why they never move."
THIS JUST IN...
Maybe I wear the black socks at the gym to distract you from my spaghetti thin arms.
You call it a walker, he calls it a steadying device for taking aim at the hot chick in her 60’s.
God has finally admitted: “I have no idea who you people are.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. Unless you know a hooker named Sunshine.
In a Southern first, Mama's little baby is off shortnin' bread.
Sting admits the whole tantric sex thing was a hoax. He was just asleep.
Orangutan crotch crud, now officially the world's worst ice cream flavor.
Britney Spears just given the title “vacuoso.”
Little people now want to be called "Shortlings." That's Shortlings, people, make a note.
I get antsy when the talk turns to love, I admit it. I'm more comfortable talking round ball than emotions. But that doesn't mean I don't care. Okay? Now get up and cook, it's time I pose naked by the window.
TRIVIA
What names was Idaho offered, but rejected?
A) Potatoho
B) Youdaho
C) WhoisDido
D) Ireland West
Carbon dating is:
A) absolutely forbidden for Mormon carbon
B) quite common amongst the Periodic Elements
C) strongly suggested before you just jump in and marry some carbon
D) now mostly done via the Internet
What is non-dairy creamer?
A) cow spit
B) milk tears
C) what you get if you squeeze marshmallows really hard
D) I don't know, but it ain't dairy
What does your bartender like to be called?
A) drink stud
B) tap wrangler
C) alco-pimp
D) actor
DESK PIECES
A. What’s It Got to Do With Craig’s Weekend?
Craig brings in very odd, or nondescript souvenirs from his weekend, and from them Mike Gibbons must guess what they had to do with Craig’s weekend. He's usually off, and it leads to stranger and stranger guesses, none of which is as strange as what Craig actually did.
Example: A small conch shell. Mike: "You went to the beach?" Craig: "Too obvious, you’re better than that." Mike: "You worked on your miniature model of the Australian
barrier reef?" Craig: "Warmer. I'll give you this one: I used it as the lead song on my
"Things That Sound Like the Ocean If You Tell People They Sound Like the Ocean" CD.
B. I Love Them Both
Craig can't decide between things, so he combines them to double his pleasure.
Example: Craig can’t choose which show to watch on a night, so he combines them into one mega-show. "Last night I couldn't decide between the final episode of 'The Bachelor,' or 'Hitler" The Rise of Evil.' Did I want a breezy reality show filled with faux emotion about a guy trying to choose a pseudo-wife, or a breezy reality show about a guy trying to murder the world? I couldn't choose, and so now I present to you, "Hitler: The Evil Rising Bachelor Who Wanted to Rule the World."
Doctored photo of The Bachelor with a Hitler mustache, hairstyle. "I, I love both of these women. But I also love killing millions. I can't decide which I love more. It is maddening!"
C. Let’s Try It With Music
Actors come on set and do short dramatic scenes without any music. Craig then has them do it again, this time with a soundtrack he provides.
Example: Craig: "Many of you aren't aware of just how powerful music is in our medium of television, but truth be known it can completely change how you feel about
what you see. To demonstrate this we're going to act out a short scene, sans music, and then go back and do it again, with a soundtrack that I've chosen that I think really accents the emotions hidden in the scene."
A father and son argue, the father throws the son out. Craig has them replay the scene with "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt." They tell him that the music didn't help. He has them start again, plays "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing." They balk. One more time, he uses "The Macarena," and they completely quit.
D. Craig’s Having a Bad Day (Produced sketch)
Craig comes into the office, sees Mike Gibbons, “Good morning, Craig.” Craig: “The
only thing good about it is that an hour of this day is done. Now get my coffee, black,
like my mood.”
Craig continues to be short with the staff, getting more and more dark and sinister,
quoting Nietzsche, growing more nihilistic.
Finally, in his office, on his desk, a note. “Dear Craig: We know that this isn’t the real
you. Everyone has bad days. We hope the cloud lifts soon, and when it does that we can all once again share the sunshine hiding behind the storm. Signed, your Staff, Us.”
Craig is touched. He realizes… he’s been a little off. He calls the staff together. “Guys, I’m having a black dog day. Your compassion is a pinlight at the end of a long tunnel.
I want to thank you, from my heart. And to introduce you to the new staff I’ve hired to
take your place.”
Another staff, all in black, gothic, stands off to the side.