I have a little mnemonic about how to talk to others that I try to always remember when I’m having conversations with people I care about.
It’s this -- validation before refutation.
Meaning, before you counter anything you’ve just heard, first validate the person who said these things.
Because validation is essential for great communication.
So ask yourself -- do you validate people? Do you do it often? Constantly? Authentically? Effectively?
When other people speak, before you respond to their content, before you express your feelings or let your natural reaction fly -- do you first validate what they have said?
This can mean validating the person -- I appreciate that you trust me enough to say that. You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?
It can mean validating what they’ve said -- that’s really important, what you just said. That’s a very good point.
It can mean validating your relationship with them -- I really like that we have the kind of relationship where you feel comfortable enough to say that.
Validating -- which includes any positive form of showing that you have heard someone, processed and understood what they have said, seeing value in it, and seeing value in them, and in your relationship with them -- changes everything.
If we feel validated, we feel like we are safe, wanted, and grooved in a conversation. We feel we have power, we are equal, and it is noted that we are equal. We don’t feel like the other person is lobbing grenades at everything we say. We feel like we’re being heard, getting our perspective out into the world, and that it has the potential for creating the changes and effects we are looking for from others.
Validation is the foundation for all great communication.
(Hey, look, another mnemonic.)